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Jul 18, 2056 Raid on the Boulder dome. Alright, it's been 2 months since I had the energy to write anything. I'm not dead yet. Let me catch you up to speed. - Our Octarian friend from earlier is actually an ex-Elite named Coco. She was pretending to be a cultist to lure cultists in to arrest them. She was so convicing she fooled us, apparently. Just goes to show how much smarter Elites are than they seem. - We did choose to help fight the war. We won, even. But... I really still feel like it was just the wrong choice. Talking to Leftist kind of helped me open my eyes on it a little more, how this war would've been won without us. Even if it was the morally right thing to do. - Yadda yadda, we fight a lot of baddies. I get exploded. Twice. Once by a mortar and once by a grenade at close-range. The right side of my face has seen better days. I'm just hoping it doesn't scar. - We lost Camelot and Rogers. This was probably the hardest-hitting thing out of all of this, so while the surrounding events are important and all, losing them really overshadows everything else. Cam didn't have to die there, and certainly not the way he did. We had alternatives but it was all too late. Halsey says Rogers is still alive, and I'm hopeful we can get them back. I just don't know how, and everything is worse without them. - We're in a new place. As usual we'll probably be gone in a month. But everything is so complex and happening so fast that I'm starting to lose the plot. My amnesia has heavily kicked in, from the stress or something else, and I'm struggling to process anything. I don't recall many of my conversations back at the farm anymore, and there are people who I know were on the Saturno that have completely slipped my mind and faded into obscurity. I never expected my long-term memory to start getting hit so soon. I don't know how to break it to people that it's more than what I typically experience, enough to align itself into the distressing. Maybe I took too many blows to the head. Talking to Leftist, as high as he fucking was last night, really cemented a lot of thoughts I've been having. I'm too far gone now. I'm not sure what's reality and what isn't. I'm not normally one to derealize and suffer delusions, I've only ever done that in times of distress. But I feel perfectly fine otherwise, so I don't know what's triggered this. I have nothing here but people to keep me on the ground, and yet it feels like they're making it worse. I don't know if I'm being lied to about the Penrose or not. No one will give me the same story. And my shoddy memory is making things more confusing, as I mix up conversations about other things with it. I'm starting to regret not being there. Not seeing it myself. Not stopping it. Like I could've done anything to change its events. I simply can't tell if people are lying to me. If something here is actually horrifically amiss. There's this sinking feeling that I'm being used. What's worse is that it feels familiar. Comparison is the best way I can connect things, and this all hits too close to home. The nightmares are vicious about it, and instead of placing people I know harmed me in Kamabo, it's starting to place people here in those roles. Do they actually mean me well? It's getting tiring. I feel like I can't trust a lot of things people tell me anymore. Is their perspective on things actually that inconsistent and varied? It's Squrodinger's catfish, but I can't even open the box to check. Leftist was right when he said this group was falling apart. That the Saturno had kept us together, coherent. It all fell through when we decided to stay. Which side is reality, and who do I believe, when all the stories are conflicting? I can't just breeze past this. The topic of the Penrose is avoided like the plague by everyone who was there, yet I feel like I'm still missing something important from the events around it. Nobody will tell me what that something is, and no one will give me the answers I want. Was Leftist killed there, or was he saved? Did Halsey chase, or flee? Was it really the radiation that threw a wrench into things? Where was the other ship, or was there another one at all? How did it warp Leftist so badly? What does he mean, a fungal parasite? Whose story is the most consistent? I lack the context to make a decision on this split, and every time I ask about it someone twists the story further into nonsense, and never tells it to me straight. No amount of soda's been able to get the taste of copper and soap out of my mouth, no amount of smiling and acting like it's all fine up here has made my feelings go away, and no amount of melatonin has made my nightmares any better. I just don't want to crack in front of everyone. They've all got enough problems to be worrying about. I'm supposed to be the happy one who keeps things lighthearted. I don't know who's lying to me, but I suspect somebody is. Did I fuck up that bad? What have people been hiding from me?	Navigation - Home - Archive - Guestbook - More

Jul 18, 2056

Raid on the Boulder dome.

Alright, it's been 2 months since I had the energy to write anything. I'm not dead yet. Let me catch you up to speed.

- Our Octarian friend from earlier is actually an ex-Elite named Coco. She was pretending to be a cultist to lure cultists in to arrest them. She was so convicing she fooled us, apparently. Just goes to show how much smarter Elites are than they seem.
- We did choose to help fight the war. We won, even. But... I really still feel like it was just the wrong choice. Talking to Leftist kind of helped me open my eyes on it a little more, how this war would've been won without us. Even if it was the morally right thing to do.
- Yadda yadda, we fight a lot of baddies. I get exploded. Twice. Once by a mortar and once by a grenade at close-range. The right side of my face has seen better days. I'm just hoping it doesn't scar.
- We lost Camelot and Rogers. This was probably the hardest-hitting thing out of all of this, so while the surrounding events are important and all, losing them really overshadows everything else. Cam didn't have to die there, and certainly not the way he did. We had alternatives but it was all too late. Halsey says Rogers is still alive, and I'm hopeful we can get them back. I just don't know how, and everything is worse without them.
- We're in a new place. As usual we'll probably be gone in a month.

But everything is so complex and happening so fast that I'm starting to lose the plot. My amnesia has heavily kicked in, from the stress or something else, and I'm struggling to process anything.
I don't recall many of my conversations back at the farm anymore, and there are people who I know were on the Saturno that have completely slipped my mind and faded into obscurity. I never expected my long-term memory to start getting hit so soon. I don't know how to break it to people that it's more than what I typically experience, enough to align itself into the distressing. Maybe I took too many blows to the head.

Talking to Leftist, as high as he fucking was last night, really cemented a lot of thoughts I've been having.

I'm too far gone now. I'm not sure what's reality and what isn't. I'm not normally one to derealize and suffer delusions, I've only ever done that in times of distress. But I feel perfectly fine otherwise, so I don't know what's triggered this.
I have nothing here but people to keep me on the ground, and yet it feels like they're making it worse.

I don't know if I'm being lied to about the Penrose or not.
No one will give me the same story. And my shoddy memory is making things more confusing, as I mix up conversations about other things with it.
I'm starting to regret not being there. Not seeing it myself. Not stopping it.
Like I could've done anything to change its events.

I simply can't tell if people are lying to me. If something here is actually horrifically amiss.
There's this sinking feeling that I'm being used.
What's worse is that it feels familiar.

Comparison is the best way I can connect things, and this all hits too close to home.
The nightmares are vicious about it, and instead of placing people I know harmed me in Kamabo, it's starting to place people here in those roles.
Do they actually mean me well? It's getting tiring.

I feel like I can't trust a lot of things people tell me anymore. Is their perspective on things actually that inconsistent and varied? It's Squrodinger's catfish, but I can't even open the box to check.

Leftist was right when he said this group was falling apart. That the Saturno had kept us together, coherent. It all fell through when we decided to stay.
Which side is reality, and who do I believe, when all the stories are conflicting? I can't just breeze past this. The topic of the Penrose is avoided like the plague by everyone who was there, yet I feel like I'm still missing something important from the events around it. Nobody will tell me what that something is, and no one will give me the answers I want.

Was Leftist killed there, or was he saved? Did Halsey chase, or flee? Was it really the radiation that threw a wrench into things? Where was the other ship, or was there another one at all? How did it warp Leftist so badly? What does he mean, a fungal parasite? Whose story is the most consistent?
I lack the context to make a decision on this split, and every time I ask about it someone twists the story further into nonsense, and never tells it to me straight.

No amount of soda's been able to get the taste of copper and soap out of my mouth, no amount of smiling and acting like it's all fine up here has made my feelings go away, and no amount of melatonin has made my nightmares any better. I just don't want to crack in front of everyone. They've all got enough problems to be worrying about. I'm supposed to be the happy one who keeps things lighthearted.

I don't know who's lying to me, but I suspect somebody is.
Did I fuck up that bad?
What have people been hiding from me?

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