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Apr 28, 2056 I think I'm going mad in here. Maybe it's the migraines. I'm just letting them take over. What's going on? It was a mistake to go out looking for the others today. Now I'm wrapped up in another spiral. I can't stop thinking about that other Octarian. And how empty I feel. I feel miserable. There's this pit in my stomach and I can't come up with cohesive thought. I've been trying to sleep, but all I really end up doing is lying awake, dissociating... My head's in circles, alone with my own thoughts. I'm not used to that, being alone with my own thoughts... I can't write anything. Nothing comes out. I'm somewhere between wanting to burst into tears and wanting to rip out someone's eyes. Anything that'll ease it. It's like being back in Kamabo all over again. I think it's because I don't have Mantle, or maybe because I'm just away from home in general. Maybe Leftist leaving triggered this. Normally when I'm frustrated I end up itching to songwrite but I just can't get anything. Nothing. Like my head. The meds aren't doing anything. Just talking to people is high-stress, and I feel like I'm on the precipice. I want nothing to do with anyone, but at the same time, I want someone to cling onto. It doesn't help that Ripley's been distant. I'm itching to see gore, but the kind I'm seeing isn't right. Humans bleed nothing but red, and gunshot wounds have been getting pretty dull in my mind. It's not the same viscera my brain wants. I want cyan smattered down the walls and to the floor. Lines torn out so violently you can see the veins hanging out from the flesh, dark teal and forced to keep working like a tired Trooper. I can only blame Kamabo for this bloodlust. I wish I knew its origins, but also I don't want to know where I got this from. Who knows who I was in that past life. What horrible things I did. Anyone who knows anything certainly wouldn't tell me. And if I'm stuck here for the rest of my maybe-immortal life, I don't think I'll ever know. That's kind of terrifying, isn't it? I do nothing but live in the Corporation's shadow. I should really go to the hospital. They say there's one. But not even the Eules knew what to do with me. What better does a human know? I could fix myself, anyway.	Navigation - Home - Archive - Guestbook - More

Apr 28, 2056

I think I'm going mad in here. Maybe it's the migraines.
I'm just letting them take over. What's going on?

It was a mistake to go out looking for the others today. Now I'm wrapped up in another spiral. I can't stop thinking about that other Octarian. And how empty I feel.
I feel miserable. There's this pit in my stomach and I can't come up with cohesive thought. I've been trying to sleep, but all I really end up doing is lying awake, dissociating... My head's in circles, alone with my own thoughts. I'm not used to that, being alone with my own thoughts...

I can't write anything. Nothing comes out. I'm somewhere between wanting to burst into tears and wanting to rip out someone's eyes. Anything that'll ease it. It's like being back in Kamabo all over again.
I think it's because I don't have Mantle, or maybe because I'm just away from home in general. Maybe Leftist leaving triggered this. Normally when I'm frustrated I end up itching to songwrite but I just can't get anything. Nothing.
Like my head.

The meds aren't doing anything. Just talking to people is high-stress, and I feel like I'm on the precipice. I want nothing to do with anyone, but at the same time, I want someone to cling onto. It doesn't help that Ripley's been distant.
I'm itching to see gore, but the kind I'm seeing isn't right. Humans bleed nothing but red, and gunshot wounds have been getting pretty dull in my mind. It's not the same viscera my brain wants. I want cyan smattered down the walls and to the floor. Lines torn out so violently you can see the veins hanging out from the flesh, dark teal and forced to keep working like a tired Trooper.

I can only blame Kamabo for this bloodlust. I wish I knew its origins, but also I don't want to know where I got this from.
Who knows who I was in that past life. What horrible things I did. Anyone who knows anything certainly wouldn't tell me.
And if I'm stuck here for the rest of my maybe-immortal life, I don't think I'll ever know.
That's kind of terrifying, isn't it?

I do nothing but live in the Corporation's shadow.

I should really go to the hospital. They say there's one.
But not even the Eules knew what to do with me. What better does a human know?

I could fix myself, anyway.

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