LOST OCTS - Blog


Aug 19, 2056 We're back on the Saturno. While this ship's rumbling once eased my nerves, its synchronization is so off from that of the NILS's that it rattles me awake before I can even think of resting. My perspective on things has changed. My body doesn't know whether to be furious or terrified, though. Instead every movement is a threat, every word an insult, and every instance of passiveness a ground-to-air missile. How come nobody told me the truth? What I'd give now to go back and rip the rose-tinted glasses from off my face. The warning signs had been right in front of me, and I just brushed everything off... I'm never going to forgive myself for that. There are too many now on the list of names I could have saved. Instead, if they don't know already... they'll come to know, and I don't want to see their hearts break when it happens. I wonder if I should tell Lombardi. He wouldn't let this slide. But would he even believe me? All the same, they fall into the trap. It's ironic now how we're hunting a cult. I hate having to be vague. Feeling completely unsafe, even on my own site, is something I never anticipated. But my trust was broken and my privacy stripped away from me, and now I can practically feel them boring into my head. There's eyes in the walls everywhere, just as there were in the facility. I see them, dotting every surface of the ship, spotting up into my vision like I'm about to faint. I don't think anyone else knows they're there. I don't know if I should talk to Ripley about it. On the one hand, she should know. On the other... it risks her safety and my own. Everything is a security risk. Jason believes if another slip up occurs, it will end in our favor. I'm not really inclined to believe him. Everyone affected has been quiet. Suddenly, I'm being counted upon to be the one to speak up. They don't really believe me when I say no one will listen to me, I think. Jason and North have made it out to sound malicious. But part of me still doubts that that's even the case. Maybe they don't know, despite how much people have described being hurt. It's just going to be an endless circle of hurt, never learning from the mistake. We are all collateral damage in the way of their goals. But is there intent to plow right through us? I question if their state of mind is entirely their own. How morphed have their ideals become? Is it truly them, or are their minds hijacked? Surely, surely if they were within their own control, they'd see this all and understand the damage they've done, right...? It makes me worry for Ripley. How much, truly, have we been lied to? North and Jason used the same word. Manipulation. It's the same word Castle used, and Camelot before him. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a pattern. Four times, it may as well be proven. And yet it's still let to slide. I can practically imagine the chatter about this. About me. I don't know if it's a glimpse into them or a glimpse right through them. Either way, it's overwhelming. The anxiety keeps me up at night, and during lulls in the day, I keep drifting off. I'm so tired. I'm probably just talking in circles, but that's all my mind is. It's an endless loop with now me, somehow, at its center. I had options to stop this, but the one I tried didn't work. I'm so stupid for even thinking it would. I should have done more. People have my back. It's hard to believe it, but they do. I'm not as alone as my brain says I am. I understood when it was targetting people like Castle. But people like Cain, North, and Jason...? They're some of the most innocent members of this crew. What have they done to deserve this? ... I'm exhausted. I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone but myself. I'm going to sleep.	Navigation - Home - Archive - Guestbook - More

Aug 19, 2056

We're back on the Saturno. While this ship's rumbling once eased my nerves, its synchronization is so off from that of the NILS's that it rattles me awake before I can even think of resting.

My perspective on things has changed. My body doesn't know whether to be furious or terrified, though. Instead every movement is a threat, every word an insult, and every instance of passiveness a ground-to-air missile.
How come nobody told me the truth?

What I'd give now to go back and rip the rose-tinted glasses from off my face. The warning signs had been right in front of me, and I just brushed everything off...
I'm never going to forgive myself for that. There are too many now on the list of names I could have saved. Instead, if they don't know already... they'll come to know, and I don't want to see their hearts break when it happens. I wonder if I should tell Lombardi. He wouldn't let this slide. But would he even believe me?

All the same, they fall into the trap. It's ironic now how we're hunting a cult.

I hate having to be vague. Feeling completely unsafe, even on my own site, is something I never anticipated. But my trust was broken and my privacy stripped away from me, and now I can practically feel them boring into my head. There's eyes in the walls everywhere, just as there were in the facility. I see them, dotting every surface of the ship, spotting up into my vision like I'm about to faint.
I don't think anyone else knows they're there.

I don't know if I should talk to Ripley about it. On the one hand, she should know. On the other... it risks her safety and my own.

Everything is a security risk. Jason believes if another slip up occurs, it will end in our favor. I'm not really inclined to believe him. Everyone affected has been quiet. Suddenly, I'm being counted upon to be the one to speak up.
They don't really believe me when I say no one will listen to me, I think.

Jason and North have made it out to sound malicious. But part of me still doubts that that's even the case. Maybe they don't know, despite how much people have described being hurt. It's just going to be an endless circle of hurt, never learning from the mistake. We are all collateral damage in the way of their goals. But is there intent to plow right through us?

I question if their state of mind is entirely their own. How morphed have their ideals become? Is it truly them, or are their minds hijacked? Surely, surely if they were within their own control, they'd see this all and understand the damage they've done, right...?
It makes me worry for Ripley.

How much, truly, have we been lied to? North and Jason used the same word. Manipulation. It's the same word Castle used, and Camelot before him. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a pattern. Four times, it may as well be proven. And yet it's still let to slide.

I can practically imagine the chatter about this. About me. I don't know if it's a glimpse into them or a glimpse right through them. Either way, it's overwhelming. The anxiety keeps me up at night, and during lulls in the day, I keep drifting off.
I'm so tired.

I'm probably just talking in circles, but that's all my mind is. It's an endless loop with now me, somehow, at its center. I had options to stop this, but the one I tried didn't work. I'm so stupid for even thinking it would. I should have done more.
People have my back. It's hard to believe it, but they do. I'm not as alone as my brain says I am.

I understood when it was targetting people like Castle. But people like Cain, North, and Jason...? They're some of the most innocent members of this crew. What have they done to deserve this?

... I'm exhausted. I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone but myself. I'm going to sleep.

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